Confessions of a Mad Scientist
by Eileen Blazer
Summary: When Ami gets involved in a fued between Serena and Darien, the sparks will fly, both inside the lab and out!
1. Default Chapter

Aahahahahaha! I write again for the Sailor Moon crowd. Hurrah! This time, is told by everyone's favorite blue-haired genius. Please R&R, either at ffnet, or Eileenblzr@yahoo.com  
  
  
  
Confessions of a Mad Scientist By Eileen Blazer January 2002  
  
  
  
They told me that talking about it would help. They said a confession would lead to a catharsis and it would cleanse my soul. I would breathe easier, the weight of the whole world would be magically lifted from my tired, aching shoulders, and I would smile more.  
  
I didn't believe them.  
  
So, that in mind, they threatened me. They held my handheld between their slimy, greasy little fingers and dangled it mercilessly over a pool of water, tauntingly offering it back and pulling it away before I could rescue the defenseless machine. They carried a glass of cherry-banana fruit punch to my computer, pretending to be woozy and nearly spilling it onto the perfectly kept keys. They danced around the chemistry lab, waving their arms like seals in a circus.  
  
Talk, they said, or else the calculator gets it.  
  
And what choice had I? With a heavy heart and a deep, deep sigh, I surrendered. I opened my mouth and spilled my guts, about the whole plan, set-up, the chemicals, everything.  
  
Yes, I squealed like an infuriated squirrel trapped under a tree branch while a pack of dogs rapidly approached.  
  
This is what I said.  
  
*********************  
  
  
  
Tuesday nights are usually pretty average. This one was no different. The previous hours had passed uneventfully; I had completed the usual tasks. You know, wake up, go to school, call Dad in Australia, read a few textbooks, fight a blood-thirsty, ketchup-bottle monster. Nothing strange in the least.  
  
But at six o' clock that night, the world as I knew it would change forever.  
  
Mom, ever on duty, had just received an emergency page from the hospital in the middle of dinner and ran off, trailing a napkin on her boot and calling "Don't wait up!" I listened as her car roared, her radio switched on, and the garage door opened to allow her free passage, before standing up and tossing my own dinner down the garbage disposal. Placing the plate in the sink, I sighed and leaned against the counter top.  
  
Another plate of baked potatoes down the drain. Literally. Even more depressing was the thought of another lonely night. Sure, I could always watch Jeopardy, take a bubble bath, learn a foreign language, or pinpoint the Negaverse's new secret portal. But just once, I wished I could have something interesting to do at home.  
  
Have you ever read those stories, where the girl casually wishes for something and then it comes true, only to spin horribly out of control until she learns the truth behind the saying 'be careful what you wish for, it just might come true'? Well, they're bunk. I wished for apple rain and the equipment to analyze it, but that didn't happen. I wished for Albert Einstein to be transported to my kitchen, yet I remained the solitary occupant of the large room. Nothing would happen at all!  
  
Finally, totally disgusted with the whole idea, I glanced up to the sky. "Is it so hard?" I asked, "all I wanted was for something unusual to happen. Something not so mundane as a visit from one of Beryl's goons, nor quite so earth-shattering as, well, Earth shattering. Was that too much to ask!?"  
  
Thunder boomed across the black night, rattling my home. I nodded, sinking back from my tiptoes to natural height. "Right. Sorry."  
  
That's when something tapped at the kitchen window.  
  
In retrospect, I didn't actually think anything would be there. Maybe a bird's beak had brushed against the glass while it searched for food. A tree branch perhaps, had been blown against it.  
  
What I saw, as I looked at the window, was a paper bag face, with two holes from behind which a pair of sky blue orbs peered. It's mouth was a hastily drawn zigzagging line. I stood there for a moment, taken aback, until I caught sight of gold thread, flying with the wind and the small, pink nail polish on the Thing's fingertips.  
  
Understanding and worry prompted me to open the window, and the creature fell inside, barely missing the stack of china dishes.  
  
"Serena? What happened?"  
  
She didn't speak for a moment, just lay there quivering. But eventually her eyes found me again. "You can't laugh." She insisted, though I found nothing amusing about her current state.  
  
"What's with the paper bag? And the window entry?"  
  
Serena sat up, stretching out her legs before her, her shoulders slumped. "Promise."  
  
"Come on, Sere."  
  
She seemed to pause, somewhat anxiously -though frankly, it was difficult to read her emotions when I was staring at six year old artwork on the side of a Nob Hill grocery bag. "You'll be sorry if you burst out in uncontrollable giggles. You'll never be able to mop up all of my tears," she warned me. I shrugged; she pulled the bag away.  
  
"Oh...my."  
  
I tried, I honesty tried, to keep the laughter inside. I pursed my lips and tightened my fists and thought of every sad movie I'd ever seen. But despite myself, a chuckle escaped past my mouth and Serena fumed.  
  
"Now, you're mocking me too!" Unfortunately, as her face reddened in frustration, it highlighted the purple bangs, bright orange lipstick, and the snidely-whiplash mustache curled beneath her nose. One hand reached up to wipe her eyes, and I saw that her skin was of a slightly blue hue. "I couldn't even knock on your front door, 'cause Mrs. Parnel was in her front yard."  
  
"What happened?" I asked, repeating my earlier question. "You look like a Rainbow Bright reject."  
  
"Thanks a lot Ami." She sniffled. "Here I thought I was coming to the one friend I had who wouldn't make fun of me."  
  
I rolled my eyes and sidestepped her, opening a cupboard. "Would you like some cocoa?" Serena nodded -did I even have to ask?- and took a seat at our dinner table. "So now would you like to explain why you're in that...costume..."  
  
"Its not a costume," she pouted. "And its all Darien's fault."  
  
That should have been a sign. I should've known better than to inquire any further when she mentioned Darien's name. The two rarely got along and when they did their truce was short-lived, inevitably shattered by a huge argument about something incredibly silly. I could've given her the chocolate, left the room, and retrieved a warm cloth to help her wash her face. But alas, all the should've-could'ves in the world didn't stop me from sliding her mug across the table and pondering aloud, "What did he do this time?"  
  
"He tricked me."  
  
"How so?"  
  
Serena cradled her drink, looking something like a smurf nursing a beer at the bar. "I was at the Crown, doing homework-"  
  
"Let's hear the truthful version, kay?" I interrupted.  
  
"Jeez, Ami. You could try a little trust." But she sighed anyway, and changed her story. "I was playing Sailor V, happy? And I was this close to setting the new record when the door opened and Darien walked in with this girl."  
  
Darien and a girl? How often did that happen? I was halfway through calculating the answer, when it occurred to me that Serena was still talking. Ooops.  
  
"So I'm thinking, is she *his* girl? Why would anyone want to be with Darien Shields, he's the worst, most awfulest guy in the world. He's like the dirt that sticks to the gum on the bottom of your shoe. He's the pond scum that gathers in the far corner because all the other scum is disgusted by it. He's the-"  
  
"I get it, Sere. Please continue." Bless her sweet heart, there was nothing she liked to do more than rant on and on and on about Darien. If I didn't know that I was lacking in knowledge with regards to the love department and that my so-called 'Crush Radar', as described by Lita, was dustier than the Sahara Desert...well, I'd have said that she liked him. Or as they say, *like* liked him. But Silly Ami, I thought, let's not drift away on a cloud of fantasy. Serena hates Darien.  
  
"I *hate* him Aimes! He started introducing her to Andy as his 'study partner' and then she like smiled at me and said 'oh are you Dare's friend too? And he jumps in and says 'yeah, Meatball Head and I go way way back. And then, she asks me if I like kids, and Darien says well yeah, how could she not like one of her own kind."  
  
"Um, this is going somewhere right? Its not gonna end up with Darien going to far, you're getting indignant, and marching away, is it? And then you'll tell me you tripped and fell into a pile of finger paints at home? 'Cause if that's where this is going, we can save time and go straight to the falling into paint."  
  
She bit her lip, smearing the orange lipstick a bit, and frowned. "This is Darien's fault, Ami. He did this to me!"  
  
I got a mental picture of Darien Shields bent over Serena, carefully applying hair mascara onto her front bangs, while his sinister lab assistant, a girl with a lump on her back, applied eye shadow to her face and arms. For some inexplicable reason, the image just didn't fit. "Go on..."  
  
"So she asked me if I'd like to help them out at the carnival, since they had both volunteered to do the face painting booth. It sounded like fun Ami! They'd paint my face as an example and stuff. So I was like, sure, I'd love to help. But then when we got there, Darien's friend left to the bathroom, and Darien was setting everything up, and he gave me this evil smirk, and he asked the kids if they'd like to try painting someone else's face, just to make sure they weren't afraid of the brush. And I didn't know what to do!" Serena stopped momentarily, as if to let me fully absorb the information. Then she continued.  
  
"I closed my eyes while I was in the chair and they were all painting my face and it wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't seen Darien slip the black pencil into its little slot. Look at this moustache, Ami! No child can draw lines that accurately!"  
  
She was right, actually. The sides were remarkably symmetrical. Kudos to that artist for attention to detail, like the 270 degree turn there, and the-  
  
"I was so mad! I told Darien that I knew it was all a trick to do this to me, and he should just wait and see, 'cause I was gonna outsmart him one of these days."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And...and...and he laughed and said that if I want to outsmart someone...I had to be smart first." I stood up and took away the mug; she seemed to have had too much.  
  
"Oh Ami," Serena cried out, clutching the bottom hem of my skirt before I could get away, staring up at me with the big, innocent eyes that would've melted any guy into a useless puddle of hormones. "Won't you help me? You won't let Darien insult me like that, will you? Please, Ami, I promise I'll never ask you for anything again so long as I live. Pleeeease?"  
  
I pondered the situation. Thankfully, I was not male, and as such, was in full control of my cognitive abilities. I could also recall the many times Serena had made promises similar -they always ended a day before a big test, when she would show up on my door with a text book and a pitiful look on her face.  
  
But still, the thought of matching wits with Darien Shields...it had possibilities. He was easily one of the smarter men I knew. And had I ever backed away from a challenge before?  
  
Also, it was time to uncover the hidden truths in Serena and Darien's relationship. Maybe this was my chance to gain knowledge in a different field of study.  
  
I patted Serena's head comfortingly. "All right. Fine. I'll help you."  
  
****************  
  
A great scientist once said 'he that makes a plan before considering the subjects has already failed.' Okay, so technically, it was my science teacher who said that, but you get the drift. I decided that before I could start actually mapping a plan out to trick Darien/uncover-the-truth, I needed to be a little more familiar with the whole situation.  
  
Now I'd had more than my share of front row tickets to the Serena and Darien Insult Hour, and wasn't particularly interested in more of the same. I wanted new information. To be sort of a Jane Goodall of the teen age world.  
  
Yet, somehow, it didn't seem prudent to stalk my friends with binoculars, pencil and pad, and speak into a tape recorder about their odd behaviors. Nor did I want to be like the Crocodile Hunter, blunt enough to have my hand chopped off.  
  
I found a middle ground, and named it State of Invisibility. I would wander into the Crown a while before either of them came, and take up residence on some little stool. Enter the subjects. They would see me, I would welcome them, but pay such attention to my books as would make them tire of me, and move on to -hopefully- each other. Thus, I would reach the sought after state of being ignored, forgotten, etc.  
  
It was then I pondered if, perhaps, I really did need to get a life as Rei so often suggested. But that was a trivial thought, and was soon lost in the crashing waves of my plan.  
  
Things to notice: Darien's likes, dislikes, etc. Did he take his coffee black? Was there anything in his wardrobe besides that awful green jacket? How often did his gaze follow Serena?  
  
Also, did Serena actually do anything other than inhale milkshakes, play Sailor V, and fuss about Darien?  
  
I wandered into the Crown, that Wednesday afternoon, after slipping out of school early. Amazing, how it easy it was to con my way out of Ms. Klinger's physics class. Who would have thought all it took to walk away scotch free was to recite Newton's theories and briefly explain the important discoveries they led to?  
  
Andrew looked at me kind of funny as I slipped through the little glass doors. He surveyed the rest of the 'early crowd', a group of girls with way too much make-up and not enough skirt was stationed in the corner, flirting with every man that walked by the window, a glassy-eyed boy, toying with some stuffed animal, and a few of the coffee-addicted college students that always hung around on Half Price Mocha Wednesdays.  
  
"Where's everyone else?" He asked, looking over my shoulder as I tossed my bag onto the counter. "School over already?"  
  
"Nope." I said, not offering any explanation. I needed to fade away, not get caught up in a conversation.  
  
Andrew shrugged after a minute, and pulled out a brown mug, offering me a small smile. "Have a mocha, Ami. Its on the house."  
  
After a while, the bell rung on the doors again, and Subject One came up to the counter and slammed his briefcase down. His hair was wild, rather like Gene Wilder's in Young Frankenstein. But shorter, of course, and more black. The knees of his otherwise spotless black pants were grayish, and bits of rubble clung to the fabric. He looked as though he'd recently fallen.  
  
Or been tripped.  
  
"Coffee, plain and black." He growled, as his blonde-haired friend smirked nearby. "And don't even ask. I have had enough of those blue-skirted, mush- brained teens for one day. If I never see them again, I will be a happy man."  
  
That's about when he noticed me.  
  
Right away his features softened, and he sighed deeply. "Sorry. I didn't mean you." He looked down at his briefcase, "but you know how some people can be."  
  
Ah, Frustration in his eyes. Goooood. Even as he tried to focus on the drink in his hand, it was obvious his thoughts were elsewhere. On someone small and blonde, no doubt. I marked that down on my paper, in code, naturally, and resumed my observation.  
  
Subject Two entered, wild and giggling, practically skipping up to Andrew. "Got change for a five, Andy? I need a few good games to clear my head after all that thinking I had to do in school."  
  
Darien snorted loudly. All eyes fell to him. "Oh come on," he muttered. "Like anyone here thinks she actually used her head in school."  
  
"Hey!" Serena glared. "I do too!" Note to self: teach Subject Two better comebacks.  
  
"Hitting the soccer ball into the net with your forehead doesn't count, Meatball Head."  
  
"SER-EEE-NAAA. Not Meatball Head, O Unoriginal One."  
  
Like a kid brother knowing he just hit a vein, Darien smirked. "Are you sure you're one to judge? They say that every time you say something clever, a pig gets it wings."  
  
My dear, happy-go-lucky friend blinked too many times before fully understanding that one. "Yeah, well....well...you're stupid!" She frowned, sensing the childishness in her retort.  
  
Unfortunately, Darien picked up on that also. "Don't feel too bad, Meatball Head. Children your age usually just throw pacifiers at each other, right?"  
  
I sighed, clinking my journal shut. Researcher or not, I did have a friend to think of. A job to do. I placed a hand on her shoulder, to calm her before she could respond. Then I looked at looked at Darien. "He's not worth the effort."  
  
The man shrugged and sipped his coffee, staring at the newspaper before him as though he'd been reading it all along. "Or the time it'd take take you to think of something witty. Run along and play now"  
  
A really good scientist would not let her own indignant feelings interfere with her study. She wouldn't talk, even when someone was tearing down her best friend a bit too fast.  
  
Nope.  
  
She'd record things in the blue notebook that's been shoved beneath her arm. She'd remember that she'd been in this same position a million trillion times, would be in it an infinite number more. She'd bitten her tongue and let them work out their problems like normal bitter enemies.  
  
The really good scientist would not have stepped in the middle of things, gestured around and said, "I don't any babies around here. Just a lily- livered, action-taking, whoreson glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel-"  
  
"AMY!!!!!"  
  
Of course those darn friends of mine would choose that time, when Serena's eyes were like frisbees, Darien had just nearly choked on his own shock, and Andrew was grinning like he knew it all along, that one, never again, time when I opened my mouth before really thinking of the consequences, to walk into the Crown unnoticed.  
  
Darn it!! I closed my mouth, feeling the blush creep from my toes to the roots of my blue hair. Serena patted my shoulder, whispering a 'thank you', before surrendering me to the vicious masses.  
  
Namely, Lita, Mina, and Rei. The tall brunette practically shook me by the shoulders. "Jeez, girl. What was *that* all about?" She took the opportunity of me having sunken my head to spy on Darien. "Don't tell me you've started on that too."  
  
"Ami," Rei chided. "I expect this kind of thing from Serena, but you? Now he'd really going to hate us and think we're all a bunch of babbling babies!"  
  
Ever the peace-maker, Andrew interrupted them, offering each newcomer a mocha. Were they even serving anything else? "Come on girls, Ami was reciting Shakespeare. I hardly think the words of a literary genius counts as babble."  
  
His words were lost on the chocolate-fiends.  
  
People sort of fell silent, too intent were they on drinking their little treat. Even Serena was lost to me. I crept back to my seat, and started shoving my notebook into my backpack.  
  
A foot away, Darien gave me a smile. "Et tu?"  
  
I shrugged. "Things are changing."  
  
That was true, too. Old ways were giving way. Serena and Darien *were* preoccupied with each other. Two plans were forming in my mind. One would, hopefully, seriously stun the handsome man beside me. He needed to be knocked down a few pegs if he was going to be deserving of my best friend. The other, well, that plan was, if things worked out right, going to have a much longer lasting effect.  
  
I grudgingly admitted, I was changing too. I didn't want to be invisible. I was caring more. Plain old, sit back and watch things happen science didn't work for me, not when that pair was involved. I had not learned nearly enough. Plus, I was becoming emotionally attached to my little project. A new approach was in order.  
  
Hands on, that was the way to go.  
  
****************  
  
And, yay! I finally finished the first chapter in a SM fic! I am so happy. I've missed writing sailor moon, it just always feels the funnest. And this story is one I wanted to write for a long time, since my other favorite SM, after Darien and Serena, is Ami. So, can you please review? I'll love you forever and ever and ever. I think I shall post a sign somewhere: Want reviews, will write.  
  
As always, I am open to comments and well thought out flames, etc. Thought I must warn you, if you leave a witty insult, I may 'accidentally' use it in my story. (  
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter, same Moon time, same Moon place One last time: Questions? Comments? Coconuts? I'm at Eileenblzr@yahoo.com 


	2. 2

Hurrah! People reviewed! My, but you all are ever so nice. Thanks for the encouragement.  
  
Little story, before the actual story, I was sitting down, you know, thinking up the next chapter, when suddenly it dawned on me. I'm writing from the POV of a genuis. A brilliant, talented, smart person. Who's supposed to have smart, genius-y ideas. But I have to use *my* brain to think them up! (For the record, I don't have an IQ of 300) Not only that, but I have to be funny at the same time!! AAAAAaaahhhhhh!!!! After several hours and/or two seconds of screaming, I finally calmed down.  
  
Because really, I'm writing from the POV of a MAD genius (see title for reference), and hey, that means I've got at least half of that down. :)  
  
Oh yeah, and this was supposed to be a first season thing, but I accidentally added Mina in...oopsy. So, just glaze over that continuing inaccuracy.  
  
One last thing: its occurs to me now that I have a habit of torturing poor Darien. ( It just happens. But, he always leaves a better man. Besides, think of Mr. Darcy, he was an awful lot like Darien (I happen to think that the SM cast would do a terrific job of acting out that book. If anyone has written one, or read one, can you tell me so I can read it?)  
  
R&R, please, at ffnet or eileenblzr@yahoo.com  
  
Confessions of a Mad Scientist Eileen Blazer January 2003  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"So.if she weighs the same as a duck, then..she's a witch!" -Monty Python  
  
I wonder, did Einstein ever have to defend a friend's intelligence, and secretly play matchmaker at the same time? I doubt it, yet surely it would have been a better use for his great mind. What's the Theory of Relatvity in comparison to my problem?  
  
Elemenary, my dear reader, that's what. Ah, but of course a true genius would have avoided friends all together, especially the confusing, love-struck, pestering sort that routinely surrounded me.  
  
Not that I didn't adore them, understand, but when you're trying to think, they had this little habit of interferring with my train of thought as though they were reincarnations of Nell Fenwick.  
  
Nightfall found me plopped on a sleeping bag in the middle of Lita's living room, caught between two conversations about 1. all the reasons why Mina should *not* date the Shoe Guy, and 2. if ugly space aliens were to land on Earth and request romantic favors in exchange for rare  
  
gem stones, would anyone beside Margret McMillion (who would grant Harry Never-Washed-My-Hair Herbert romantic favors, if raspberry rootbeer was involved) actually accept?  
  
I participated a bit, because I had some opinions on the Shoe Guy who had instisted we play rock paper scissors to decide if 'by November 23' meant, actually, November 23, or the day before the 23. Apparently, my multiple sources, joined with the good ol' English language, and common sense just wasn't enough for him. Go figure, (but don't worry, my rock beat his two pointy little fingers and the strappy blue sandals on sale now rest happily in my closet).  
  
There was Lita's mini-rant on the inaccuracy of recipies found on the back of Betty Crocker's Ultra Chocolate Fudge cake mix.  
  
Mostly, though, I thought to myself. I tried to concentrate, but scientific, but looking back, under such conditions, and facing such a delicate task as was mine, is it any wonder I came up with crazy ideas?  
  
While flipping through the channels, Rei spotted an Orlando Bloom interview, and my companions flocked to the television set to drool over the elf-playing, 'hot celebrity of the month'.  
  
Myself, being much more of an Elijah girl, dropped back onto the pillow and tried to put in some serious thought towards my plans.  
  
Darien Shields. Egotistical, definitely; easy prey, no. How to trick him...  
  
Many intelligent people had been outwitted. The Man in Black outsmarted self-proclaimed genius Vizzini by filling both glasses with a poison he was immune to; Kirk defeated the logical, calculating mind of Spock by making flamboyant, almost careless moves to knock the Vulcan off balance. The former was sly and cunning, while the latter was bold and risky.  
  
My own attack would need to be a combination of both.  
  
Serena soon slipped next to me. "You must be thinking of Darien," she said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You're frowning."  
  
I smiled. "How did you get the rest of the make-up off?"  
  
"My mom helped. She kept scrubbing my face with vegetable oil. Then my dad cam home and saw the rags. He thought I had applied it all myself and had washed it off to hide the evidence."  
  
I winced. Mr. Tsukino was a terribly loving father. He cared so much about Serena that some times it felt like he cared...too much. No make- up, no boys, no sudden hair cuts, no dresses shorter than her knees, no staying at the mall past five thirty, no dances unless he chaparoned, no overnight trips unless he had had a conference with the parental units.... How would he respond to finding out a college student regularly picked on his little princess?  
  
Hmmmmmmmm. That would be bad for Darien. Very bad indeed. It held possibilities.  
  
Once a bad opinion of him was created, Darien would probably go out of his way to restore his good reputation. Somewhere along the line Serena's mom, the olive branch with feet, would get involved and insist that he join them for dinner, thus forcing Serena and Darien to be civil. Civility would lead to indifferernce, indifference to fondness, fondness to friendship, and friendship to love! It was so simple!  
  
I must have laughed aloud then, because the rest of the girls turned towards me. "You okay, Aimes?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine, thank you. I just...thought of a funny joke, that's all"  
  
It was a commericial, so Lita grinned broadly. "Oooh, I love good jokes. Tell us."  
  
"Er," Jokes? JOKES? I can't tell jokes! I once tried to make a group laugh and ended up lecturing on the history of spinach (which *is* rather amusing if you really think about the way Princess Alberta must have looked walking into the throne room drenched in several pounds of the soggy vegetable, just before she ordered them all tossed intothe ocean, but now I'm just babbling). "Um, What do you get when you cross a Sailor Scout with a vacuum?"  
  
"That's easy," Rei said. "Serena."  
  
"Hey! I resent that!" The blonde whined, wrenching a donut from her mouth and stuffing into a sleeping bag.  
  
"But don't deny it, I see."  
  
"I didn't say that. I do deny it."  
  
"Too late! You admit that you're a hog!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are to, are to, are to!"  
  
Serena dove for the raven-haired girl, "You're so mean, just like that grumpy old Darien."  
  
"Hey guys," Rei cried out, smushing Serena's face against the carpet. "Serena's so dumb, she thinks a carnivore is a person who works at the carnival! Ha ha heeeeeeeeeeeek!"  
  
Serena grabbed Rei's hair and gave it a tug. "Oh yeah, well Rei's so crabby they offered her the part of Sabastian in the Little Mermaid sequel! Na na na na na na!" She stuck out her tongue as sat on Rei, ignoring her opponents violent thrashing.  
  
Somehow, Rei got her hands on a pillow. She slammed it against Serena and the girls went tumbling again. Unfortunately, they fell straight towards Mina, who narrowed her eyes and reached for the My Little Pony pillow she'd brought along.  
  
And the war was on.  
  
I pulled back, away from the feathery battle, sliding neatly into my sleeping bag, thinking of only one thing. Which, I'm sure, you can guess.  
  
Why did Serena have to cram a jelly-filled into *my* bag? ******************  
  
  
  
On Thursdays, I volunteered at the hospital. My mom thought it would be a good experience for me.  
  
Ha! I spent hours typing names, responding to pointless requests.  
  
"Yes, Sir, Helen Granger? You're daughter is on the third floor, room 336, Mr. Granger. I'm sorry you can't take that horse up there, Mr. Granger, I don't think it should even be in here. Why? I guess there's just a rule about livestock in the hospital."  
  
Every now and then, a young doctor would wander past my little desk, read the name tag and grow flustered. Did I really seem like the kind of self-absorbed girl who would complain to my mother if they didn't offer me a snickers, compliment my skills, and predict a 'very prosperous future' for me, and ask: did I want anything from the staff lounge?  
  
The older ones were even worse. They'd get that look in their eye, "I remember when you're mother came here. She looked just like you. How old are you now, Sweetie, about ten? Gonna be starting middle school soon?"  
  
I don't want to sound mean. They were all nice people. But I had accepted the position of president of volunteering against my will, forced by my mother to give up my afternoons of observation at the Tokyo College Science department.  
  
And (shh, don't tell Rei) I really, really, liked the pyrotechnics there. You have not lived until you've seen giant exploding bubbles.  
  
But that Thursday was unusually helpful to me.  
  
Serena was also a volunteer, though she was a candystriper. She would prance in, white and red strings weaved into her hair, uniform tidy. She loved the interaction with patients, and conversations with complete strangers came so naturally to her.  
  
I guess that's what my mom wanted me to learn.  
  
Anywho, she pulled in front of me with her flower cart. "Hey, I think 115's flowers are wilting. Got any money? I'm gonna get her some replacements."  
  
I pulled out a few dollars and handed them to her.  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
She darted into the flowershop. There are windows everywhere in the hospital, and I had a clear view of her flirting with the flowershop guy. That was their routine. She'd ask for new flowers to keep the patients happy, he'd remind her of how many patients they had and how much money they'd lose if they gave them all new flowers, she'd bat her eyes, and he'd give in.  
  
I had an even better view of Darien's eyes growing darker than the bat cave as he watched the scene too. He'd entered while I was distracted, but I was paying a lot more attention now.  
  
"Can I help you, Sir?"  
  
"I'm looking for Dr. Michealson."  
  
"Um....he's in level 3. That's two lefts and two rights."  
  
Darien finally tore his eyes away, and glanced at me funny. "That would lead me right here."  
  
"Would it? Oh, oops. Sorry." So he was a fast thinker. I couldn't just tell him anything and expect him to believe it. "His office is right behind me, actually, but his previous appointment hasn't left yet. Have a seat."  
  
He did.  
  
"So, Darien, still going to become a doctor?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's great."  
  
"I know."  
  
Well, Geez, I thought. Don't make it too easy to talk. I tried something else. "You should say hi to Serena when she comes out."  
  
"I'm here to talk to important people, Ami. Hows it going to look if I chit chat with the kids?"  
  
Was he really this much of a jerk? "Then maybe you better stop talking to me; I'm a month younger that Sere, you know."  
  
He sighed. "I never meant to say that you're a kid. You're obviously a lot brighter than the rest of your friends." He leaned in. "You're like me, you're going to go somewhere in life."  
  
Like him! I was so rude and arrogant? The only one like him was his reflection! "Serena's smart. She just not a show off."  
  
"Right. And I'm the prince of earth." The door opened, and Mr. Mike called for his next appointment. Darien bowed, and left me.  
  
The jerk!  
  
The creep!  
  
The nerve!  
  
The pencil in my hands snapped and I stared at the broken bits in amazement. They made a messy trail across my paper.  
  
A trail.  
  
A trail to follow.  
  
A trail to follow to reach the goal.  
  
I could create a trail for Darien, subtle hints that would lead him, unknowingly, to Mr. Tsukino. Hints that would influence him, causing him to say things he wouldn't normally say.  
  
A trail that would make Darien think he'd created his own bad situation, while I sat back and watched. His arrogance would fail him, land him in a bad spot. Its common knowledge that bad situations either brought out the best and or worst in people. There was a chance I could only ruin things even more, but the risk made for an interesting gambit.  
  
There had to be a decent guy somewhere under all that pride.  
  
A green, leafy thing was brought down before my eyes. I looked up to see Serena grinning, lips red from the licorice that hung from her mouth. "nd I got a rose for me. Was that Darien I saw?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Agh. I hate him."  
  
No you don't, I wanted to say. You like him. A lot. And he likes you. But darn it, he can't be with you if he's too busy courting his own ego!  
  
Subject One was stubborn. And like a horse that refused to allow a rider, he would have to be broken.  
  
Ami, I said to myself as that last analogy came and drifted away, aren't you getting a bit carried away? Wouldn't the science community be appalled at your lack of professionalism?  
  
They would indeed.  
  
If.  
  
If I didn't explain. But I would explain. I'd be very thorough in my report. Subject One was like a little duck caught in an oil spill. Only instead of being covered in a black, consuming, deadly, syrupy substance, he was drowning in his own arrogance. I, the environmentally conscious scientist, had to draw him in, wipe off the oil, so he could be released back into the wild and play nice with all his little duck friends.  
  
Yes, this was just the beginning. Persistance makes things perfect. "He's really is a jerk."  
  
"I'm glad you finally agree with me. But-"  
  
"He needs to be humiliated."  
  
"Well, that's what I've been say-"  
  
"In front of lots of people."  
  
"I like the sound of tha-"  
  
"He needs to end up river dancing on public television while wearing a lavender tutu and a pink flamingo jacket, singing I Will Survive."  
  
She paused. "Are you sure you're not feverish? We don't need to...I mean, how are you going to trick him into...?"  
  
Silly bunny, I thought. Tricks are for kids.  
  
*******************  
  
  
  
Okay, so. what do you think? I was trying to keep a self-imposed deadline (or else, like, months elapse before I update). Good news: I made it! Bad news: it was probably not all that funny. But it will be. I promise. Funnyfunnyfunnyfunnyfunny. There will also be a little bit more Serena/Darien interaction. And you'll like it, or my name isn't Huebert Gerald Gerrigand.  
  
Please review! Reviews make the world go round! They also make a great stuffing for dumplings, but I won't go into that.  
  
Questions? Comments? Coconuts? I'm at Eileenblzr@yahoo.com 


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